Not Too Sure Where This Is Going...

I want my life back, perhaps not the same as before, but I need an outlet to do something. Every time I think of what MS has robbed me of, reduced me to, I get misty eyed and sad, like I am now. I feel empty, defeated, so unlike my real self, the one I haven't seen in so very long. Every day seems like surrender, and is spent more and more in increasing slumber.

I want to break free of this cluttered cage of exile I have built for myself around this lumpy, dumpy old couch--my laptop, stacks of newspapers read and unread (I've even abandoned the thrill of completing the daily jumble and crossword, a habit I plan to reignite tomorrow along with some tosses of "history", no longer news), cups, pencils, pens, books, and the overflowing box of necessary mail, bills, sundry papers, and important receipts that I must save but really have no more space for... (Organized boxes without a real home quickly become new wardens, too willing accomplices in my fortress.) I need to reset my course as this abyss widens, threatening to complete its quicksand strangulation on my self, my will, my psyche, my reason for being. I want my life back.

"Multiple sclerosis destroys connections", the commercial says, and I know this to be true, literally and figuratively. There are points in my body where the MS rages and wreaks havoc, like in my right foot, which pretty much doesn't work anymore. I just drag it along as best I can when I have to move, that's if it hasn't decided to be totally hyperextended and unbending, so that someone has to come and help me move, which I really hate. Even though my foot moves spastically and seems like a block of wood, the nerves in my big toe are so hyperflaring in shooting needles intensity that it often throbs just from the touch of the coverlet thrown across my legs. Imagine your foot waking up, that prickly, hot, needly feeling, and that sensation is the backdrop of my entire awakened day, and night, for after sleeping during the day, I am up pretty much all night, like I am now as I write this post. Destroyed, gone forever, is my ability to walk unencumbered and to dance, which I loved to do. Gone, gone, gone... My husband believes that if I believe, that one day those abilities will come back to me. I do not fool myself anymore--it's just not happening.

At age 50, I have so much life inside of me still, so many vibrant ideas and wishes, a joyful spirit and a teacher's voice inside of me, screaming to be unleashed in some manner or form. Most of all I miss teaching--being able to awaken each day with a sense of purpose and duty, having somewhere to go where I can interact, grow, and share with other people and in different experiences and challenges. I think back to grumbling to the shower, rushing out of the door in a hurry, being evil inside until I get my cup of coffee, and then to how I began my day of greeting students with bright good mornings and smiles, ready to teach and learn. I miss that so much!

Though I'm not too sure where this is going, I do know one thing--I want my life back. There must be more to life than infernal sleep and afternoon news shows ad nauseum. I may only get out once a week to the grocery store, but I am current with all that is going on in the world, and I have to figure out a way to get reconnected in it in a less vicarious way than I currently exist. I am tired of wallowing and I am ready to fight my cruel master. MS, you will not win. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!